"A mixed bag" has been the most common response friends and family have gotten from me when they've asked how being back in New Zealand and away from Redding has been going. This last week has been especially rough, particularly on the days that I finally let my heart crack open a little to feel the weight of those 6662 miles. See in those first few days, my response of 'mixed bag' was correct - I was still readjusting physically to a 30 degree drop in temperature and the crossing of very many time zones. But as time went on and we passed the one-month point, I realised that, "Oh, a mixed bag," had become something to hide behind. A numb answer to which I was not required to give much of an explanation for in response to understanding nods.
But it's time to feel. It's necessary to feel something other than numb in order to move purposefully in any direction. It's time to cry. It's time to whisper those questions to the Lord that are covered in pain and uncertainty. It's time to let them leave my lips and find that He is as kind as I remember. And that's okay. Not forever, but for today at least. It's okay.
"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. "I feel so lost." A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I am not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost." - The Shack